And I love you most
by BlouBell
Summary: Bilbo tells Thorin he's going back to the Shire.


After the battle of the five armies, the dwarves tried to mend to their wounded, and bury their dead. The negotiations went well, Thorin Oakenshield accepted to give Bard's share of the treasure to rebuild Dale, and he even had a civilized conversation with the Elvenking Thranduil, without being at_each other's throats_.

Thorin's biggest priority was his kin, so he had to think first about them and put his bitterness aside, the most important matter here was to seal a truce. His wounds were still itching, but nothing severe and he was a king after all, with kingly duties.

He was restless, and had dark shades under his eyes but nothing could be worse and agonizing than his own guilt.

It seemed that reclaiming the mountain wasn't a hardship, compared to his duties. Treaties, papers to sign, decisions to approve, and councils to be held. However, Thorin didn't complain, not one bit. He was exhausted and the aftermath of the battle made him realize how goldsickness had twisted his mind, and blinded him: but his love was still here, beside him. Bilbo, his sweet Bilbo stayed after the battle and tended to his wounds, made sure he ate, and even after everything, he remained loyal to Thorin. Things were awkward most of the time, Bilbo still tensed whenever Thorin was too close, and he avoided the king's gaze. Bilbo was a bit frightened, what happened at the gates was never forgotten.

The rebuilding of Erebor was long and tedious, but all the dwarves helped and the truce between elves and dwarves, though fragile, showed that alliances were of use.

Bilbo woke up with a headache, his body in pain; even if he slept he still had that feeling that he never rested enough. Bilbo refused to get out of his bed, the biting cold of the mountain was atrocious but then he remembered that today was the day. He had to make his announcement today, he decided.

He washed, and dressed slowly. And of course he packed up his belongings in his bag, just in case.

The hobbit took a deep breath, and headed for the king's chamber.

Thorin was signing parchments in his study when Bilbo knocked.

* * *

"No more work Balin!" He said abruptly. But it wasn't the elderly dwarf who knocked.

"It's me Thorin."

_Bilbo! _the king thought, startled.

It was surprising to see Bilbo at this hour, and if the hobbit requested a discussion with him, it had to be important. Suddenly, Thorin felt a pain in his stomach; he felt that something wasn't right. Thorin tried to ignore it.

"Thorin" Bilbo said again as he came in, with a hesitant smile on his lips. This wasn't good. Bilbo was overly cautious, looking at the carpet, at the furniture in the room but still avoiding his eyes.

When Thorin saw him, his heart stopped. _What should I do? _ They had talked a lot (well not that much really) when he was recovering from his injuries, but he realizes that their relationship is far too strained. _Because of me_, he thinks. _Me and that cursed gold! _ How could he deserve this hobbit?

"Bilbo, my friend..." he sighed with a very fond look, he even admitted himself that he was completely and definitely smitten by this lovely gentle-hobbit. Well, there was no point denying it. Before the goldsickness, he remembers Bilbo's smiles and now he knows that they had more worth than all the gold in the treasure room.

"_What makes you so happy today, my dear?" asked Bilbo with a teasing smile. They were in Beorn's garden. Thorin just held him tight in his arms, whispering sweet words in his curved ear. "Seeing you" he wanted to say, the fact that he had his happiness here, his family, his kin and his lover, safe for now. Very slowly, Bilbo broke free from his embrace, smiled at him. His Bilbo was fascinating, hobbits were unpredictable creatures for sure, but for Thorin, Bilbo was unique. "I love you" he would say and Bilbo would answer back "And I love you most."_

To Thorin, those memories were precious, the last bits of intimate moments he had shared with his beloved. Then he frowns, thinking about the goldsickness, about the hobbit dangling in the air and he bows his head, remembering that he doesn't have any rights to call Bilbo his friend.

Bilbo remained silent until he finally spoke:

"I'm leaving."

That's all he needed to say. Clear, limpid. Yes, Bilbo was determined, and grateful that his voiced remained steady on this single sentence. He was grateful that his eyes weren't full of tears, grateful that he had hidden his shaky hands behind his back. The Shire was his home; it wasn't just homesickness but something even more significant: his heart had been broken during the quest, and he needed time to heal and tend to his own wounds. Unfortunately, the words of regrets and the withdrawn of his banishment weren't enough.

But in the meantime, even if the hurt still lingers, he knows that Thorin is freed from goldsickness and seeing him all regal, elegant just like the mighty kings in his stories, was enough to make Bilbo's heart flutter with love. He loved Thorin. _So much._

Bilbo tried to convince himself, that he wasn't leaving forever, but the ache in his heart hurt more than ever.

And King Thorin was shocked. He was frozen on his chair, refusing to acknowledge such a terrifying thought. He might have whispered a hazy "_what?" _ And he looked at Bilbo with a strange mixture of horror and fear. His heart was beating too fast, more than once; he fears his own chest was going to explode.

"I can't stay here any longer, you have to understand that my home is in the Shire" he stopped, hesitating, not sure how to go on "...and it is time for me to go home." Bilbo finished.

Thorin stayed still, and took a shaky breath. "But I thought that you could...have your home here?" He was panicking, it was too soon, winter was still raging on, and he couldn't leave his dear hobbit alone.

"And you have been lovely, really! But..."

"Then why? Tell me how could I make things better for you, if you want I could-..."

"No! It's fine Thorin I-...you found your home, there is no more dragon breathing fire, and you're doing good now, and I'm sure Erebor will be at its finest in no time, but you have to understand that I've been away for too long."

Thorin speaks softly, but there is still hurry in his voice "I could bring your armchair, your books, your garden here...I could bring Bag-end in Erebor if it would permit me to stand beside you for the rest of my life" And if it sounds like a confession, Thorin doesn't mind because he's honest and bold, refusing to even consider Bilbo, dear Bilbo, leaving them. Leaving _him_.

"Thorin, don't insist I will not change my mind-..."

"Stay with us, don't leave us when we owe you so much...I-"

"Thorin _I can't_!" Bilbo cut quickly. He sat down, his feet unable to hold him. It was like all the exhaustion hit him at once. Bilbo covered his face with his hands, frustrated, tired and miserable. "I can't..." he spoke softly. Thorin stopped talking, looking at Bilbo with bemused eyes.

Bilbo could only hear the soft sound of the fire in the room. He didn't want to leave but it has been so long, Thorin had better things to do than care about one insignificant hobbit like him. He was a king, and he, Bilbo Baggins, was a burden. He definitely outstayed.

"I am the problem, Bilbo?" Thorin said with a small voice, it broke Bilbo's heart. "I am the cause of you sorrow, Bilbo...look at me, you refuse to look at me" Thorin winced. He pated Bilbo's shoulder, his touch soft and loving and Bilbo almost wanted to forget everything; the pain, the heartbreak, the betrayal.

Bilbo shook his head, and then looks at his king. He was handsome as always, the beard neatly trimmed, his hair brushed magnificently, long strands of hair falling on his broad shoulders. However, he looked broken, defeated and yet; he looked at Bilbo with such love and care.

"I love you" Bilbo said, his voice hoarse.

Thorin seemed surprised by this confession. He smiled, and caressed Bilbo's soft cheek "And I love you most" He replied, brokenly.

"But I can't stay Thorin. It hurts! You threatened me, you strangled me and you were about to kill me because...because a shiny rock was more important. I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm tired Thorin, I see faces, I see you and it doesn't stop...! The pain never stops..." He admits with difficulty, and he starts crying.

Thorin doesn't say anything. His hands slip of the hobbit's arm, touching the soft skin on the forearms. He nods and clears his voice:

"I'm sorry, for everything."

Bilbo couldn't find the strength to give a decent reply.

* * *

And at the balcony, the king stood there. Observing the love of his life getting away from him, and not for the first time, he blamed his weakness. Bilbo was with Gandalf, something that comforted him. When Bilbo was out of sight, he remained there, his eyes never leaving that place where Bilbo had been just a few hours ago. He truly felt alone.

King Thorin didn't care if someone went to see him.

He wept.


End file.
